


What if?

by tayshinny



Category: Taynew
Genre: Angst, M/M, Sad, argument
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-27
Updated: 2019-03-27
Packaged: 2019-12-25 12:57:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18261746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tayshinny/pseuds/tayshinny
Summary: just some ideas i had written down into an angst after angst filled fic





	What if?

**Author's Note:**

> this is literally just angst about some thoughts iv been having, iv seen on twitter similar thoughts being written down and it inspired me to do the same so i thought why not  
> well here's where i usually say enjoy, but idk if thats possible with what i wrote so have fun reading whatever this is lmao
> 
> comments are pretty neat so if ya wanna leave one id love to hear what you gotta say!

_Tay woke up to his phone ringing, a small smile as he read the name of the caller - Hin. He then looked at the time and suddenly his smile faltered and his face grew concerned; why is New phoning me at 3am? He hurriedly sat up and answered, putting the phone up against his ear. If he wasn't worried before, he was when he heard a muffled cry._

_"New, are you okay?" Tay asked with a quiet voice, trying to not let New realise how panicked he really was._

_"Tay," a choked sob sounded from the phone, "can you come over?" Tay could feel a pang in his chest when he heard his best friend sound so broken, but instantly replied with 'yes, of course'._

_New let out a small 'thank you' before hanging up completely, leaving Tay distraught as he threw on anything he could._

_A million thoughts ran through Tay's mind on his way to New's apartment. Was a family member ill? Was he hurt?_

_Tay shook his head, wanting those thoughts out of his head before his eyes started to water. He wasn't so lucky, though. Panic set in even more as he practically ran out of the grab car and up to New's room. He knocked on the door and after a few seconds, Tay watched as the door opened slowly. He went to take a step in but New collapsed into him before he could, tears already on New's cheeks wetting Tay's t-shirt._

_Tay hugged New back as tight as he could, his arms wrapped protectively around his waist. New's head was hid away in the crook of Tay's neck so when Tay started to calmly talk, his words instantly melted into the brown mess of hair._

_"Hin, hey it's going to be okay." Tay was at a loss, he had never seen New look so upset and vulnerable. He hated it. New was supposed to be smiling and laughing and happy, not crying into Tay's shoulder as he struggled to get words out between each shaky breath._

_Still clinging onto Tay as if his life depended on it, New spoke three words which ended with more tears spilled and a louder sob into Tay's chest,_

_"We broke up."_

 

***1 year later***

 

“Just one more bit- oh come on!” New whined as he watched his best friend shove the remaining piece of brownie into his mouth. They were currently stood at opposite ends of the kitchen island, a small game of chase now beginning as New made his way to catch up with Tay. 

“You don’t even like brownie.” New threw his hands up in exasperation as his voice faded out in a whine. 

Tay scoffed in response as he barely dodged New’s grasp, only now realising that he had put far too much brownie in his mouth.  
A series of coughs then filled the silence, New’s face flashing with concern before it turned into a smile and laughs as he finally caught up with Tay.  
While one of his hands rested on Tay’s upper back, New’s other supported his weight on the counter as he let his chin fall onto Tay’s shoulder. 

“That serves you right you know.” New laughed to himself as his hand had unconsciously started to rub small circles on Tay’s back. Neither seemed to mind and the action carried on, a comforting movement for the both of them. Tay tilted his head to look at New as his coughs resided and he swallowed the remains of the brownie. He went to make a witty remark but instead his nose brushed against New’s cheek; this contact definitely not going unnoticed. 

New’s eyes flickered up at the touch, finding Tay’s instantly. New smiled and leaned in to further press his nose into Tay's cheek before quickly pecking the blushing skin with his lips. New then stepped aside (his arm still casually on Tay's back) as he laughed at Tay's shy behaviour. 

"I only kissed your cheek Tay." Tay shot a glare at New as his ears grew hotter. 

“You’re acting as if that’s the only cheek of yours I’ve kis-“ 

"New!" Tay slapped New’s arm away as he couldn’t believe what New was saying. He never used to joke about their current relationship but New was becoming far more open on talking about them being close - being closer than just best friends. Tay started to think maybe this was New finally accepting the relationship between them, but he refused to get his hopes up. 

Ever since New broke up with his girlfriend, he had clung to Tay like a lifeline and Tay absolutely loved it. He loved being there for New and being able to help him with everything. He loved being the one person New trusted with his whole life. He loved being New’s favourite person. 

The only problem he had with it was that his causal attraction for New had bloomed into a full-blown crush. Tay had fallen hard for New while New was only beginning to feel something. For a while, it was Tay pining and New oblivious to it all until New started to confuse himself. He initially thought he was just thankful for Tay being there for him all the time, helping him through his problems. That was until New found himself staring at Tay’s lips for longer than he should have, or when he had wanted Tay’s hand to stay just a little while longer, or whenever Tay bent down he had to tear his eyes away. New didn’t want to believe that he liked Tay and put his actions down to spending so much time around him. New thought meeting up with Tay less often would help clear his head, so that’s exactly what he did. And thus began the worst few weeks for the pair. 

Tay missed New more than anything; he even resorted to looking through old photos of them together, hoping it’d make him miss New less; it did not work, in fact it did the complete opposite. And what New thought would be a couple of weeks of checking he didn’t actually like Tay turned into long days of confusion until he finally realised that he did like him. A hell of a lot. With that realisation in mind, New drove straight to Tay’s; only one thing on his mind. Once he got to his destination, New’s lips were straight on Tay’s and New surprised himself with how right it all felt. 

From then on, the pair fooled around every so often but both knew it was more than just the occasional hook up. Both Tay and New understood that what they had was more than just best friends but they never talked about it, and when Tay tried to bring it up New would always change the subject. In the beginning Tay didn’t really mind, but the constant dodging of the question from New annoyed and upset him more each time he did it. It was getting to the point where all Tay wanted to do was just sit down and talk with New about everything, not knowing if New actually did feel the same or wondering if this was an attempt to get over his ex was torturing Tay. He could confidently say that he loved New, but he knew nothing about what New felt. It wasn't fair for Tay to assume what New was feeling, but it also wasn't fair for New to keep Tay in the dark. 

And now that New was being so casual about what they were doing, Tay couldn't help but think that New was finally getting to the point where he, himself, already was. 

"New, can we talk?" New was mid-sentence when Tay interrupted him, though with Tay's deep thoughts he had no idea what he was talking about. New quirked his brow at Tay's abruptness but didn't quite catch the serious tone to Tay's words. 

"If it's about going to the bedroom, then yes, absolutely." New winked at Tay as he started turning his body around to make his way over to the bedroom, but Tay's assertive voice stopped him. 

"We need to talk." Tay hated how pressing his voice sounded but he wanted an answer from New tonight. Tay's palms started sweating as he second-thought his plan. If they went through with having the big talk and Tay didn't get the answer he wanted, he'd be leaving here never to see New again for a while. He winced at his own thought but New's calm hand on top of his brought him back and away from it. As he looked down to see New slotting his fingers between his own, Tay smiled and squeezed his hand. 

"About what? You sound serious, is everything alright?" Tay sighed at New's words, giving New the answer to his question. Tay then started to drag New to sit down on the sofa, New followed along without hesitation, squeezing Tay's hand back in reassurance. 

Tay didn't say anything further until both were sat down, concerning New more and more with each step they took in tense silence, 

"We need to talk about us. About whatever we are, I want answers New." Tay looked over at New, not at all surprised to see New leaning back against the couch with a vexed huff. New let his eyes close while he responded to Tay, repeating what he usually said when Tay brought this up. 

"Tay, can we not. I don't really feel like talking about it." New tried his best to sound calm but Tay easily picked up on his impatience. 

"But _I_ feel like talking about it. You've put this off for too long." New internally groaned, but he knew Tay was right. It wasn't that New wasn't 100% sure about Tay, because he definitely was, but he knew Tay would only ask for them to be official and New wasn't sure if he was ready for that yet. And telling Tay that would most likely destroy whatever the two of them have which is why New kept avoiding this exact conversation. 

"New, I know you're probably hating this but I need to get some stuff of my chest. Can you at least listen?" Tay decided to settle for a compromise, he didn't want to push New too far but he was also in desperate need of venting what he had been trying to say for the past few months. 

New opened his eyes and looked at Tay, a small smile showing on his face as he nodded, 

"Of course, I'm all ears." Doing a terrible job at hiding how much he really didn't want to listen, New stayed back against the cushions and smiled over to Tay somewhat encouragingly. 

Tay smiled back but his eyes were somewhere else, they were flitting between everything but New. His hands started to fidget and his knee jogged up and down as Tay thought about what to actually say. 

With Tay still thinking, New brought a hand up to rub soothing circles on Tay’s back which Tay leaned into, the action a huge comfort for him. 

“New you have to know how long I’ve wanted this, wanted you.” Tay stole a glance over at New to see him with his eyes still closed and mouth twitching as he chewed the inside of his lip. Though Tay could see New was struggling, he couldn’t help but feel a weight lift off his shoulders as the words were finally getting out. He took a deep breath in and carried on, 

“I liked you even before you and Gift broke up,” Tay felt New’s hand pause its motions for it only to be removed from his back completely a second later. Tay immediately felt the comfort leave and all he wanted was to have it back, but he knew he had to give New space. He shook the thought out of his head and carried on, his fingers toying the frayed rip in his jeans, “granted it was only small and I was mostly in denial about it, but then that night you phoned me and told me you guys broke up. I wasn't happy about it at all, seeing you like that broke me. You were always the one to crack a joke and to see you so hurt like that," Tay stopped his words as he sniffed, the memories of that night resurfacing and tears were beginning to prick at his eyes. 

Hearing how sad Tay sounded made New want to hold his hand and reassure him through this, but Tay's words echoed around his head. He had gotten over his whole break-up with Gift, but hearing that night from another perspective just reminded New how much it all had affected him. He shuffled where he sat once he heard Tay continue, 

"Though the situation was beyond shitty, I loved being the one person you counted on. Whenever you needed anything I wouldn't hesitate, I just wanted to be there for you, even if that person was only a best friend to you. We then started hanging out pretty much every day and got so much closer." Tay smiled to himself as his thoughts were drawn back to the beginning of him and New becoming who they are now. New was doing the same, he could hear the smile in Tay's voice and that's all it took for the memories to wash over him.It was all innocent and happy. Nothing was about to change with a heavy blow of reality. 

Feeling slightly more at ease with thoughts of how things used to, New cracked open his eyes and looked to his right to see Tay perched on the edge of the sofa, nervous radiating off of him. On instinct, his hand reached back out to comfort Tay, the familiar calming motion that Tay had been missing prior. Tay looked over his shoulder and offered a small smile New's way, a small one being returned in response. 

"It was at this point I realised I liked you way more than the average crush, but I never said anything because you were going through what you were and I wasn't about to make things harder or more complicated. I was okay with being there for you however you needed me to be and I put aside what I felt so that I could focus on being just your best friend. But then," Tay had rambled on without a breath, finding himself struggling to stop once he had started opening up about things that had been eating away at him. As Tay allowed himself to take a breath, New noticed the break Tay needed and chipped in with the first words he had spoken for a while, 

"But then I stopped seeing all the time." New sighed after his words as Tay nodded softly. 

"I figured you had found out about me liking you and you didn't want to be friends anymore, I understo-" 

"That's why you thought I did that?" New was taken aback at Tay's thought process and couldn't believe he had been thinking that all this time. He sat up and his shoulder brushed against Tay's, both surprised at how comforting the less-than-a-second contact actually was. 

Tay simply looked at New with confusion flooding his features; _what on earth was New on about?_

"Yeah, isn't it?" New shook his head at Tay's question, his hand drawing away from Tay's back to fidget some more with his other. 

"It was the complete opposite." New’s voice was quiet and hesitant, the words he had tried desperately to hide away were now being spoken aloud with the one person he didn’t want to know listening to it all. Though a small part of New did feel the relief of finally talking about his and Tay’s relationship, he was still antsy about letting everything out into the open since he knew this wasn’t go to end well. 

With Tay blinking rapidly to try to process what New was saying, New carried on explaining his past self’s actions. 

“I felt myself wanting more from our friendship but I didn’t want to ruin it, and in my head, distancing ourselves was the only way to do that.” Tay just sat in silence, not quite believing that this whole time he had got it all wrong. New had actually felt the same and was scared to lose the friendship they had. Tay almost wanted to laugh at the irony of it all, but instead focused on the rest of what New had to say. 

“Those few weeks were utter hell. In the beginning I felt fine but then the hours dragged into days and the days dragged into weeks. I was moody all the time and it took me far too long to realise that I missed you so damn much. I couldn’t focus on anything but you. It was like you were my default, if my mind went blank there you were. I eventually started to figure out what I was feeling and I just wanted to see you. So, I went to yours hoping to talk about things but, well, you know what happened instead." New couldn't look at Tay, his words had him feeling something he couldn't quite pick up on; he simply put it down to the stress that came with their situation. Throughout New's still hushed words, Tay's smile kept on widening; the whole time New had been feeling the same and Tay couldn't have been happier about that fact. Although, no more than a second later, confusion flashed across his face again – if New felt the same why weren't they official yet? Tay looked over at New, perplexed as to how they were here months later if New felt the same. 

"Then why aren't we together? If we both like each other then that’s enough right, how simple can it be?" 

"It's not that simple Tay." New interjected before Tay could start another sentence, things weren't easy for them and it wasn't about to get any easier. He leant back against the sofa again, a deep sigh leaving as he watched Tay whip his head back with a questioning look in his gaze. 

"It is if we both like each other, hell I'm certain that I lo-" 

"Tay, don't." New's voice was stern, it no longer carrying the whispered tone. He looked Tay directly in the eyes, pleading him not to say it. If Tay said those three words, everything becomes real. New stole a glance at the door, thinking how easy it'd be to run right now. Run right away from his current problem. 

"Why not? Why can't I say I-" 

"Tay." Tay was now growing more agitated than upset with the whole ordeal. New had just sat there and told him that during the time he had been falling for New, New had been falling for him too and now he was acting as if it didn't matter. 

"Why not?" Tay's voice wasn't overly loud, but still loud enough for New to realise how worked up Tay was getting. And to answer the question, well New didn't exactly know how to phrase it without sounding like a complete ass. So, instead he stayed silent in the hopes that Tay would back off – if only he could be so lucky. Tay had been taking New's silence as him no longer caring about any of this and that notion only angered him further. 

"New, why not?" With his voice steadily rising, he stood up from where he sat and moved to the other side of the coffee table, his hands thrown up in exasperation. Hearing the same question for the fourth time, New snapped. He bolted upright and matched Tay's voice, 

"Because if you say that all of this, _us_ , becomes real." 

"And what's so wrong with that? New, all I want is for this, for us, to be real. Do you not want that?" Alongside his fiery words, tears were threatening to spill from Tay's eyes – the mix of upset and frustration growing too much for him to hold in any longer. 

New wanted to shout. He wanted to shout at the top of his lungs. He wanted to shout until his throat ran sore. This situation was beyond stressful for him but instead of having a shouting match with Tay, he ran his hands through his hair and tried to calm himself before he replied. Calming himself down only a little, New looked up to see Tay staring at him expectantly, his gaze boring a hole right through him. 

"Yes, no, I don't know, okay?" New was being truthful, he didn't know. All he knew is that he wanted Tay more than anything but the thought of a proper relationship was a daunting prospect he just wasn't ready for. At least not yet. Tay, however, saw this as a way for New to give up before anything ever started, pretending to care slightly to cover up the fact that he doesn’t at all. 

"New, you either do or you don't and you sound like you're leaning on no, so I'm just gonna go." Tay's voice cracked mid-sentence, New's chest aching at the mere sound, and a tear fell down his cheek as he said his final words. His feet were taking him towards the door when New's desperate voice stopped them in their tracks, 

"Tay, please," New paused in the hopes that Tay would at least turn around, but he didn't. New swallowed thickly as he stood up as well, a small and emotional lilt to his voice that Tay had never heard before, 

"Look, all I want is you. What we have now is the best thing I've ever had but I'm not sure I want a relationship, at least not right now." New prayed that his words were getting through to Tay, he was the only constant in New's life and he would beside himself if Tay actually left. 

"That's just a cowards way of saying that you don't actually want to be with me. At least have the decency to give it to me straight New, I thought I actually meant something to you enough for the truth." Tay thanked himself for not turning around earlier considering the tears that were falling down his face now. Tay hated what was happening, but if this what New felt then he was glad to stop wasting his time on someone who clearly wasn't worth it. 

"God dammit Tay." New's shout brought Tay out of his thoughts, the once calmer voice now completely gone. 

"Listen to me. All I want is to be with you, to be able to call _my_ boyfriend, but what if we break up and I lose you forever? I can't go through that, not again. Especially when I won't have you to help me through it." During his words, New inched closer to Tay, a hand reaching out to settle on his shoulder for it only to be shoved off seconds later. New could feel his eyes watering and his hands beginning to shake, the weight of the situation steadily growing heavier and heavier. 

"And what if we don't break up? What if we stay together for good?" Tay still hadn't turned around, he just knew his cheeks would be blotchy and his lips would tremble every time he spoke. He reminded himself of what he thought earlier about not getting the answers he wanted. He had prepared himself for this exact situation yet he still found himself an emotional wreck – some things were just far easier said than done. 

"Tay, I thought I was going to be with Gift forever and look where that ended up. You said it yourself, I was a mess after that break up and god knows what I'd be like if we ever broke up. I care about you more than anything and I honestly don’t see myself getting over you. You are way too important to me to risk losing. Can't we just stay as we are right now, being our own version of best friends?" Struggling to keep his composure himself, New could hear subtle sniffs sound from Tay, the sound breaking his heart. He was making the man he loved feel like that, but he couldn't hide away from the truth any longer. Tay deserved it even if it was painful. New tried again to settle his hand against Tay but, just like last time, Tay shoved it off as he took a step further away. 

"You'll lose me either way, New." New stood stunned for a few moments, not expecting such a lifeless voice to sound from Tay, let alone the words he was saying. 

"Wha-" 

"You're scared of losing me if we get together and I can't be just your best friend any longer." Not only were his words affecting New, but he was worried at how cold Tay was sounding, even in stressful and anger inducing situations, emotion always bled into Tay's words. But to him hear so void of emotion was making New hate himself even more for what he was doing. With the volatile mix of anger at himself as well as at the general situation, New's voice carried an air of bitterness. 

"Tay, it's just for a little while longer, just while I still figure things out." New desperately wanted Tay to understand what he was saying so his voice seemed harsh and impatient, his fists clenching at his sides as he heard the bluntness himself. 

"Well then you'll just have to figure it out on your own. I'm not gonna sit and wait for a what if, I can't." Tay's feet headed for the door with tears streaking his cheeks and where New had tears staining his cheeks also, his feet were frozen in place. 

"Tay, please don't go. I'll sleep on the couch tonight, just don't go, please." On the final word, New's voice broke as a choked sob made its way out. The sound almost made Tay rethink what he was about to say, but he stood his ground. He was doing this for both of them. For himself by making sure he prevented further hurt and for New by giving him the space he so clearly needed to think things over. 

"Call me when you do figure it all out but don't talk to me until you do." And with that, Tay was out the door and left New stood alone in his apartment. 

New wasn't sure how to react. He just watched Tay walk out and his heart dropped at the sight. He wanted to go run after him but his feet acted as if they were stuck in mud. He wanted to cry, to let it all out, but the tears wouldn't fall. He wanted all of this to be a horrible nightmare and for him to wake up to see Tay fast asleep beside him but, deep down, he knew this was the harsh reality. He stumbled backwards until his legs hit the sofa and he fell down. Swinging his legs up so he now led down along the sofa, New held his waffle pillow as tight as he could; thoughts of what had just happened plaguing his mind. _What if this was it? What if everything Tay and I have built up over the years has gone, just like that? What if?_

New cursed himself as he bombarded himself with 'what if' questions; precisely what Tay didn't want to hang around for. New couldn't blame him, Tay had only been a constant in his life and what was he to Tay? A maybe. A possibility. A what if.  
Perhaps it was for the best, if New couldn't commit to someone who was ready to settle down then it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair to let Tay believe there was a shot if New couldn't fully see himself getting back in a relationship with anyone. 

New closed his eyes in a useless attempt to fall asleep and to try and shut out all the thoughts racing through his mind, but to no avail his mind only seemed to work ten times faster once his eyes were closed. Despite the numerous ideas plucking at New's mind and heartstrings, one thought kept popping up repeatedly and made New all too aware of how much he had fucked up by letting Tay walk away – _it always comes back to Tay._

The second Tay had closed the door and had taken a couple steps, he collapsed against the wall and slid all the way down. His forehead rested against his knees and tears were free-falling; it all too quickly dawned on him that that might've been the last time he'd ever be with New like that. Sure, they'd have to see each other at work and they'd of course be professional, but there would always be the tension of what could have been lingering between them.  
Shuddered breaths exhaled out of Tay as his head lifted to rest back against the wall. Eyes that were puffy and red were soon being rubbed over by a sweater clad hand, the soft material soaking up the tears left in the corners of Tay's eyes. A small part of Tay wanted to run back in there and engulf New in a hug, to feel New wrap his arms around him and to hear him say how everything would work out just fine, but Tay knew better than that. 

Trying desperately to think of anything else, Tay slowly pushed himself up the wall and stood still for a few moments catching his breath.  
He pushed himself off the wall and took small steps down the corridor, not being able to shake the gnawing doubt in the pit of his stomach – _New might figure things out in a way that leaves me behind._


End file.
